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Strewth, mates, pull up a deck chair, because we need to have a yarn about the night Reid Detmers decided to audition for a statue outside Angel Stadium. On a balmy Tuesday evening in Anaheim — which was Wednesday lunchtime for anyone in Australia pretending to work while refreshing their phone — a 22-year-old rookie lefty went out and threw a no-hitter against the Tampa Bay Rays. Not a scrappy, umpires-having-a-nightmare, weather-interrupted kind of no-hitter either. A full-fat, premium-grade, 12-0 demolition. The Rays rolled in as the hottest team in baseball, leading the league in home runs and generally strutting about like they owned the joint, and Detmers sent them home with a big fat zero and a homework question: "What just happened?"
Look at that glitz, that glamour, that main-character energy — and honestly, that's the closest visual we've got to how Detmers strolled off the mound after the ninth. The bloke had never thrown a complete game at ANY level of professional baseball before that night, and he chose that particular evening to casually amass 108 pitches of pure filth. Here's the funniest bit: he recorded exactly TWO strikeouts. Two! Most pitchers chasing history need to blow blokes away like they're blowing leaves off the driveway. Not our Reid. His strategy was essentially "hit it at my mates and let them sort it out," and the Angels defence was keen as mustard all night. One lonely walk was all Tampa could muster. Fair dinkum, that's not pitching, that's hosting a party where the guests aren't allowed to touch anything.
Now, we're not saying the baseball gods have a sense of humour, but consider this: the Halos, a bird-themed club, no-hitting the Rays, a fish-themed club, is basically an episode of a nature documentary. Bird 1, Fish 0, thanks for coming. And here's the genuinely spicy bit of trivia for your next smoko: just three weeks earlier, the Angels themselves were on the receiving end of a no-hitter against Houston. Baseball's a funny old game like that — one minute you're the punching bag, the next you're handing out the floggings. Detmers' effort was the franchise's first solo no-hitter since Nolan Ryan was out there chucking heat in the seventies, which is so long ago that the highlight reel was probably on film and the commentary came via carrier pigeon.
So hats off to you, Reid Detmers, you baby-faced menace. Somewhere out there, every Aussie kid who ever told their coach "I reckon I could chuck a no-no" has been vindicated. Strikeouts are optional, swagger is mandatory, and the Rays will be seeing that scoreline in their nightmares for a fair while yet.
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