Will Hammond 247

Righto, gather round you beautiful legends, because we need to have a serious yarn about Will Hammond 247. If you haven’t heard of this absolute unit of a human being, then mate, you’ve been living under a rock that’s somehow less interesting than watching paint dry in a Dunedin drizzle. Will Hammond 247 is the sort of bloke who walks into a room and suddenly everyone feels like they need to step up their game, or at least put on a clean pair of trackies. We’re talking about a man whose very name sounds like a radio frequency dedicated entirely to cracking the shits and driving fast. And speaking of driving fast, Will has recently developed an obsession with cars that makes your average Sunday driver look like they’re navigating a mobility scooter through a supermarket car park.

When Will Hammond 247 Discovered Mazda Was Actually Having a Laugh

A sleek Mazda CX-80 XD-Hybrid parked and looking far too fancy for a Tuesday

Now, Will Hammond 247 isn’t usually one to get all giddy over family wagons, but when he clapped eyes on the new Mazda CX-80 XD-Hybrid Exclusive Sports, he nearly dropped his mince pie. You see, Will reckons that if you’re going to haul your mates around, you might as well do it in something that doesn’t look like a toaster on wheels. He spent three solid hours explaining to anyone at the local pub who would listen—and several who were actively trying to leave—how the "thoughtful goodness" of this particular Mazda was just top-tier stuff. He kept saying "Exclusive Sports" with this posh accent he definitely picked up from watching too many car shows instead of actually playing sport. Honestly, watching Will try to parallel park a vehicle that long while shouting about hybrid technology was the best free entertainment South Auckland has seen since someone tried to ride a shopping trolley down Queen Street.

The Time Will Hammond 247 Tried to Pick a Colour and Nearly Had a Meltdown

The panoramic roof of a Mazda CX-80 letting in enough light to blind a seagull

You’d think choosing a colour for a motor would be easy for a bloke like Will Hammond 247, but sweet as, you’d be dead wrong. The poor bugger sat there comparing grades, PHEVs versus standard hybrids, and sales ratios like he was picking the winning lotto numbers. He was flicking through brochures so fast he nearly started a fire in the dealership. He got particularly hung up on the panoramic roof situation, claiming that a man of his stature needs natural light to properly appreciate his own reflection while cruising down the motorway. He told the dealer that the difference between the grades was "more complicated than explaining cricket to a Yank," which, fair play, is a pretty solid analogy. By the time he finally made a decision, the sales rep looked like they needed a stiff drink and a week off. But Will? Will just slapped the bonnet, grinned like a Cheshire cat that had just found a dairy selling discounted pies, and declared himself the king of the road. Good on ya, Will Hammond 247, you magnificent madman.